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As the movie “I Don’t Know How She Does It” comes out this Friday, I am reminded of how, well, naive, I was to the whole world of working momma. Heck, I was clueless as to what was going to happen during delivery and seeing animals born on the farm should have been a clue to me.
But, the role of working momma is a hard one. Yes, so is the role of stay at home mom. I really don’t know how all of you women who stay home full-time don’t go postal. Lord knows, my mother has reminded me that I am not cut out for staying home with my kids because I would go postal.
So, as I look back over the last six and a half years of working full-time, with five of those years with a 45+ mile commute, let me share some words of wisdom.
I can assure you of this. When you are at work, or worse yet, on a work trip in another state or country, you will feel guilty for not being with your child. When you are with your children you will feel guilty that you are not at some optional work event that you know is covered, but still feel like you should be there. Guilt. Guilt. Guilt.
Get over it though. Men don’t feel guilt when they leave work early to go fish or stay a few extra days on a business trip to, oh yeah, fish instead of coming straight home to hear about the spelling test or third tooth that popped through while he was gone. They just do it.
I have probably gone above and beyond over compensating for the guilt I feel. I over commit at work to prove I am committed and then I let my kids do more activities than any sane mother should. I just don’t want anyone coming back on me and saying if only you didn’t work when I was growing up or if only you didn’t have kids you would have gotten the promotion. But, I make my own choices and no one has guilted me into anything. It is all me.
You are going to feel guilty. Learn how to manage it and don’t be too hard on yourself.
Buy a box of Kleenx and hide them in your car.
I work in a male dominated industry. I have been to meetings regarding the meat industry, and I have been one of three women in a room of 150 men. I have had two female bosses out of seven different bosses I have had. People don’t want to see you cry. Or at least, that is the way I feel.
I have left at lunch to sit in the Wendy’s parking lot with a large frosty and french fries from McDonald’s and cried for 30 minutes after I had gotten a text that I missed the first steps taken by my kid for the second time. I obviously have used food for comfort in an unhealthy way too.
I have cried when leaving the kids at sitters. I have cried coming home from work because I am stuck in traffic because some idiot doesn’t know how to drive in rain and all I want is my babies. I have cried because I am so angry that my husband wasn’t tied to a job that kept him from missing everything I missed. I cried when my kids cried at first day drop offs. I cried when my kid called and left a voice mail to tell me he pooped in the toilet all by himself.
Have Kleenex, you will cry.
Make sure you have other working mom friends.
Nothing makes you feel guilt like being constantly reminded that you don’t stay home by your friends that stay home with their kids. I can’t count the number of times I have sat at a home jewelry party or get together, school event, bible class, doctor’s office, school open house and felt like someone didn’t belong and it was ME.
All these conversations about play dates and volunteering in the classroom and who has chicken on sale and who is going to what garage sale on Friday morning and how they would never have someone other than family watch their kids, yadda, yadda, yadda. I would get in the car and, yep, pull out the Kleenx. I wouldn’t let on that it bothered me. I couldn’t join in on the conversation, but frankly they didn’t notice.
I soon realized though, while the conversations were painful, they weren’t meant to be painful or mean towards me. These women interact everyday via text, calls, facebook and face to face. They are each others support system. You need your support system.
If it were not for people like my friends Heather or Katie or Jeanette or Cris there are days I would have never gotten away from the Kleenx box in my car. You have to have girlfriends that get it. Girlfriends who call when they are commuting back home from the airport. Girlfriends who call to see how something big at work went or small at home went. Girlfriends who embrace your juggling act and volunteer to help you juggle by helping out with the kids even though they are buried alive too. Girlfriends who you live near and far are equally as valuable. Let’s face it, you don’t have time for much face time with your kids and husband let alone a girlfriend.
You will need these women. Trust me. Seek them out.
Invest in clothes that make you feel good.
I have spent a butt load of cash on cheap clothes that make me look terrible. But recently, I had a good friend that said just spend the money on a pair of jeans that you feel good putting on. I cringed when I bought them. They did cost a three figure amount. I had bought some $50 jeans since having kids, but I rarely wore them, so this was painful for me. What if I ended up not liking them. But to my pleasant surprise, I love them. Wear them multiple times a week and have gone back for more. Plus I get a compliment about looking good or losing weight almost every time I wear them.
Same is true for work clothes. In college, when I thought I was poor but now realize I was filthy rich since I had virtually no bills except beer and clothes, I bought my “dress” clothes from The Limited. They were the only store that had a pair black pants that were long enough for me and a pair of 3 inch heels. After I had Boo, I started shopping at less expensive department stores. I looked ok, but didn’t feel that great about myself. I am back at The Limited and other stores that will tailor my pants and jackets to fit my tall frame. I am not afraid to buy fewer pieces that cost more. TJ Maxx has also become one of my new favorite stores.
Hire help.
I mean it. Don’t be ashamed of having someone come clean your house or fold your laundry or mow your grass or whatever it is you don’t want to do because you would rather be with your kids on Saturday morning. Look for a high school or college aged student who needs cash and is willing to watch your kids so you can go for a run, buy groceries or take a shower without someone trying to get in the shower with you.
If people stop by unexpected and your house is a wreck, don’t apologize, they are the ones that stopped unannounced. You live in your home. You work hard. Your kids play hard. You laugh and have fun in your house. That means it most likely will get messy. So, don’t be to proud to know you can’t do it all and hire someone to help. Even if it is only every once in a while.
Don’t lose you!
I think some of the things I have been most upset about as a working mom haven’t been real big issues except to me. I was worried people were judging me, when really I was the only one judging me. I was worried my kids would resent me. Actually, I was the only one who resented me. I was upset about missing things that my kids can’t even remember and they did them!
I don’t apologize for taking vacations without my kids. I stay up late into the night chatting with friends in other time zones when I should be sleeping. I facebook too much. I go to lunches just because I miss my best friend when I should work through lunch so I can get more done to be with the kids when I get home. I drink an expensive bottle of wine on random Tuesday nights because I can. I let my kids sleep on the couch on the weekend because I want to sleep there too.
I lost myself for a long time. I am day by day trying to find me, the me that I have become and will be moving into the future. Defined by me and no one else. Don’t lose yourself.
And remember this…
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I'm still new at this working mom thing and constantly come across new struggles and new things to feel guilty about. Ugh! Thanks for the honest advice – I appreciate that.
This is a great post!!
Lately, the updates on Facebook from my SAHM friends have punched the gut a bit. Most of the time, I'm at peace with being a working mom. But sometimes… when someone posts about their kid coming and saying something to them about how awesome it is to spend so much time together or whatever… part of me wants to psot about how awesome it is to know that I'm providing health insurance, college funds, extracurricular activities, and a sense of financial peace of mind that my kids wouldn't know without me working full time. But I don't think that would be well received and it is only what I would want to say in an emotional fit of self-pity as I miss out on volunteer opportunities in the classroom or miss out on bus stop time or whatever.
High five to you!
Amy C.
I love this post! I am a stay-at-home mom, but still I can relate on so many levels.
This is all so true. I still struggle with the guilt. Day in and day out. But I know i"m doing the best I can…and that's all I can do. Thanks for the pep talk.
This post is like a giant high-five for working moms. Great job 🙂
You pretty much nailed it all with this post. I'm not a new mother. My kids are 14 and 9, and I STILL feel all these things. I am never doing enough at home. I'm never doing enough at work. Oh, those records play over and over in my head (records, ha!). Thanks for the every neceesary reminder that I am NOT the only one who feels this way!
(I removed the first post because it was FULL of typos!) 🙂 See, the editor in me prevails still!
Working and having kids is crazy. I teach and even with the time off I get, it doesn't seem to help much. I read the book the movie is based on, when it first came out. A great read.
Totally agree! Thank you so much for sharing this… As a mom, who recently moved from 4/10s back to 5 day work weeks, I'm having a lot of guilt. I'm not able to volunteer in DS's school. I'm working longer hours. But I'm compensating by fixing his breakfast every morning, fixing him lunch, etc…
And the best advice… Hire help. I don't think I would be sane today if it weren't for the fact we hired a babysitter to watch him from 4:30 to 7:30 4 days a week. (DH gets the 5th day) I don't always use her the full time, but she's there. And if I want to stop & grocery shop – then come home & make pasta salad – I can, knowing DS is still getting his bath & books – so all I have to do is tuck him in & relax.
Please share… Where did you find these jeans? I'm struggling right now with the whole – dress to feel good about yourself.
thought of you this morning as I was driving to work bawling my eyes out. My daughter was sobbing as I left her for work!
You'll get through this. I was a stay at home mom until my youngest (of 4) was 4. Then I went to work at night so we didn't have to pay for daycare. Minimum wage doesn't allow for that. The toughest night was when my 4 year old broke his arm & I wasn't there. We all lived through it and my 4 are now grown with children of their own. They all learned to cook, do their own laundry, and clean house because I needed their help. All went to college (some were trade school), all are responsible adults and none of them complain about how tough life was growing up with me gone from 4-midnight. In fact, when my oldest was first married, he called me to thank me for raising him as I did because his wife could do nothing. Keep on keepin' on. You are doing terrific. Diane in WA
I love you!!!!!
I absolutely love this post because I am a working mom. I feel guitly every single day for feeling too tired to play with my son. I used to shop at The Limited and NY&Co too, but stopped after my son was born. I'm slowing starting to go back to them again though. One thing I can't get over is how out of place I feel around the SAHMs. They're everywhere! And it's hard to hear about everything they do with their children. But, one thing is for sure. Any event my son has at school, I will definitely miss work for because I never want to miss that.
Perfect timing. I needed this.
Well said. Can I borrow some things from your post? My daughters are grown, but I was a part time working mom. I still needed help & missed things. Don't feel Guilty! They probably won't remember most of it anyway. All Mom's need to be supportive of each, no matter their working status! Go MOMs!!
Great article!! I have been a full-time working mom for five years and I should probably reread this every year myself! I posted a link back to your article on my working mom blog! It’s scheduled for Friday 9/7/12 but here’s what the link will be http://thegracefulmom.com/working-mom-article.